.what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

Do you ever go through times in your life where you are asked to make decisions and you just wish that someone else would make them for you? It is not something that I even want to talk about. Not here, not to Chris, not even to my awesome friends.

But some reason, I keep coming back here, starting to type. I think I am ready to get it off my chest. I want my friends and family to know where I stand on it. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I can't. My feelings have taken over my life once again to the point that I am forgetting to appreciate what I HAVE right in front of me.

I know, most of you are sitting there saying, "What in the hell is she talking about?"

Well, here goes.

When Chris and I decided to have children we always said we wanted 2 kids in 2 years and that was it. Most of you know what happened next. I will never forget it. I was on maternity leave and Chris and I meet at the Olive Garden for lunch. Connor sat in his infant car seat on the table right in front of us like new parents do.

I looked at Chris that day and told him I wasn't done. I wanted one more child. His jaw dropped to the floor and I will never forget that face. Sleepless nights and late night feedings had Chris done.

As all of you know, Connor wasn't an easy baby. He wasn't an easy toddler. He isn't an easy little boy....until he turned 4. So for those 4 years I could not for the life of me imagine having another baby. Our lives were like a complete tornado. We had 2 babies, and really, there were very few EASY days.

Any mother knows that there is something that mothering children that literally changes your heart, mind, and soul. Wanting another child isn't something you can just talk yourself out of. It is in your heart....it IS you...and it is something that literally controls your being.

When Connor turned 4 Chris and I talked about it again. At first Chris wasn't totally into the idea, but after hours and hours of conversation I think he knew how much it meant to me. He would have been totally content stopping at 2, but also wouldn't be against having another one either.

So we tried. Month after month with nothing. I knew this story all too well. It took me forever to get pregnant with my first (which I lost), CJ it took 9 months, and for Connor it took 6. My cycle was completely messed up, and I decided to get some professional help. I went to one of my friends doctors who specialized in fertility issues and he ran some tests. The good news was that all of my reproduction parts looked great. The bad news is that my progesterone levels were so low that even if I was getting pregnant every month, my body couldn't keep the pregnancy (So that is why I was such a bitch! LOL!)

I was told by my Dr. that I would not get pregnant without help.

That isn't what either Chris and I wanted. The whole trying to conceive part with CJ and Connor took a toll on our relationship. For those who have been through this month after month you know what I am talking about. There is nothing romantic about it....ever. Chris and I had told each other that IF we had another child we wanted it to be different then what we did trying to get CJ and Connor. The news from the Dr. pretty much took that option away.

His recommendation was clomid, ovulation tests, blood work, etc. Chris and I agreed we would try it. We did. For 2 more months. The clomid messed with me so much...the ovulation tests sucked...and after 2 months of all of this I couldn't take it anymore. This isn't how we wanted it, and for some reason with everything else going on in our lives at that point, we made the decision to stop.

For a few months.

Remember, us mothers just can't get this stuff out of our head. You mind tells you 100 other things, but your heart tells you you have more love to give.

So this past fall the feelings started coming back....I kept trying to push them out of my head, but I couldn't. We tried for a couple of months without anything and but I knew I had 2 more rounds of clomid left in my prescription. Last month I took it....nothing. I had my annual with a new OB/GYN (I just couldn't get myself to go back to the last one after I stopped trying right in the middle of his treatment plan) on Connor's birthday. She referred me out to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for further treatment. I made that appointment for the 28th, and started with my last cycle of clomid.

And now I am having my doubts. Ovulation is days away, and all of a sudden I am "freaking" out. Clomid increases your chances of multiples to up to 5-8%. I don't want two, I want one. The news is filled with doom and gloom and like most American families we have debt that we need to take care of. Chris has been interviewing for better jobs but nothing has come through yet....and what do we do if I lose my job as the primary provider for my family? Connor is 5 months away from starting Kindergarten, and my days will get easier. The spacing isn't ideal...another baby would be 6 years behind Connor in school. If CJ and Connor are lucky enough to play sports into their college days, we would be "stuck" here with the third child who would still be in school. A third would put us financially into a position that we couldn't do the Disney's vacations, and have the nicer cars, and afford to pay for hockey (LOL!).

The truth of the matter is that it isn't about the material things. We COULD make it financially if we had to, but at what cost. At what stress level? Does that stress outweigh the joy?

Let's throw something else on the table....mothering is NOT something that comes natural to me. The people I know that have 3 kids are ALL natural mothers. The do it with patience...they do it naturally, and it shows. How many mothers have you talked to that tell you that the 3rd put them over the edge? Too many. Really...I work every day to be a good mother to CJ and Connor and it doesn't come naturally or easy. I love it more then life itself, but I think I love it so much because I HAVE to work so hard at it.

And to make all of this much more complicated in my mind, I am a child who lost their mother when I was young. I learned all too quickly that life is short. I believe that life should be lived like each day is your last. I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to look back on my life when I am 60 and wish I had had that 3rd. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I wish I knew that answer now, but I don't.

So since Connor's birthday my days and nights have been consumed with all of these thoughts. I have not talked to Chris about them. I can't. I have not talked to Shannon or Erin about them. I can't. I have not called my sister-in-law Linda who is a wonderful, natural mother to 5 children. I can't. Chris will love and support me either way. He always has. I can't talk about it because really, no one totally understands all of the feelings that are involved with it. No one understands what it has been like to live my life without my biological mother and how hard it has made mothering my own kids. Few understand how it is to live your life as a mother with the financial weight of your whole family all on your shoulders. Few understand how taking one little pill for 5 days could completely mess with your body and mind for the next 28. Few understand just how hard it is to try month after month after month only to see a negative pregnancy test over and over again. I could call Shannon, Erin, Linda, and Chris and change my mind 100 times in those 4 conversations. All of my friends and Linda and Chris have been beyond supportive of me through all of this, I just wish I could pull out the magic 8 ball and ask the question and know that I am getting the right answer.

The decision to have another child shouldn't be like this. If I am having doubts at all, the answer should be no. If only I could convince my heart of this. How do you get past it? I can't tell you how much I have sat here and just wished for an "opps" because I know that we would be fine and I wouldn't have to make any decisions. With an "opps" there wouldn't be MONTHS of tears and doubts and fear. The truth of the matter here is that there are no "opps's" possible in our future because I can't get pregnant on my own.

But really, I believe everything in life happens for a reason. Maybe the fact that I can't get pregnant on my own anymore is a sign. Maybe I am just not reading it that way, and I think I need to. Chris and I have been completely blessed with 2 of the most amazing little boys. In every way, stopping now would be "easier", and we could totally provide for 2 better then we could provide for 3. My hair would be less gray with 2 then 3, and my check book have more money it too. My boys would have some help in paying for their college education, at least more then if we had to divide money 3 ways.

I just need to figure out how in your heart you learn to accept this. How do you convince yourself you are done when you heart just doesn't want to be. Time? I hope so. Love? I hope so. Friendship? I have been totally blessed with friends that have been through all of this process with me and supported and loved me along the way. CJ and Connor? Of course!

Life isn't easy. It is decisions like these that make us stronger. I was blessed with two boys that in my eyes are a complete miracle now knowing everything that is wrong my reproductive system.

I know one thing. In my heart I do know that this is the best decision for my family. For Chris, for CJ, for Connor, AND for me. I can't cry any more about it. I can't handle another negative test. I can lose another minute of sleep over it. I can't. It has taken away from me enjoying what I have been blessed with...and that is the most amazing father I could have ever asked for and two of the most amazing boys in the world.

Getting this out here is the first stage for me to get through this. I need to accept that I am done. I need to accept that this stage of my life is over with. I need to look to the future and happy times with the boys. I need to accept ME and be proud of the new healthy Kristin, the one that is now 35 lbs lighter, and is setting a very important example for my family.

If you made it this far. Thank you. If you want to call and talk to me about this, don't. I can't. I cried the entire way through typing this. I need time to digest. To accept. To move on.

In my life I have been handed more then what I ever wanted with challenges, differences, etc.

All of them made me stronger.

I have no doubt that in the end...this will too.