dud.

I am just feeling so down and out. I think I get like this every year around this time.

I don't know if it the fact that I know that the next 8 weeks of my life are going to be a complete tornado with photo shoots and holiday cards...or worrying about finding shoots over the winter to pay those crazy gas/electric bills or just the fact that I feel like nothing can go my way these days. NOTHING.

All I want to do right now is win the lottery, end up with a new Canon 5D and less bills. Then I want to spend an entire weekend with nothing to do other then watch the food network with my boys with my new camera manual (for the 5D I want) in one hand with a nice mug of marshmallow lovers hot chocolate in the other. :)

In all seriousness, I was sitting here today thinking how messed up my priorities have been over the last couple of weeks (heck, months and even years!) and I realized how lucky I am that my boys still love me as much as they do. It doesn't matter how many hours I sit in front of this stupid computer EVERY SINGLE DAY, I am still guaranteed a big hug and a kiss every night and every morning. I AM lucky. Very lucky.

My hope for 2009 is that I spend less time working and more time enjoying my boys. My hope is that although my heart has been so involved with Christy's Crew and Crew for a Cure and finding a cure for breast cancer, that I realize how short life is, and just like so many that have lost their battle to breast cancer and so many other cancers, my turn may be coming, and I don't want to look back and wish I had spent more time with the boys. I know for some these thoughts may be a bit morbid to some, but it is true. I guess when you lose your mother at the age of 5 you know that the reality of life is that this kind of stuff DOES really happen to good, normal people just like me.

I keep looking at the pictures of the boys on my walls thinking how old they all are. I didn't even take CJ's pictures on his birthday. I didn't come home with even ONE picture of the boys on the beach that was worth printing..I wasn't in the "mood" on vacation because I was so burnt from all of my shoots before then. Again, as I am sure many photographers can relate to, I spent the last few months being so busy capturing the kids of my awesome families I get to deal with, that I forgot about how awesome my two little boys were right before me. I can't rewind back to summer and do it all again, and boy I wish I could.

I don't really know what else to say. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, I just want to fix it. I love what I do. I need to do what I do. I just need to do it a whole lot less then what I am doing now or it needs to be ALL I do...and let's face it, quiting my full time job to be a photographer just isn't in the cards that I have been dealt.

So for all of you out there that say to me, "I don't know how you do it all." well...I can't do it all and although it might appear at times that I am super woman, I am here to tell you that I am far from it. The reality is that it is all an illusion because deep down inside of me I just know I am going to crack at any moment...I just wait for that moment. I don't know how, but somehow I get through each day and see the sun come up the next.

I know my heart that my kids will only continue to love me unconditionally for so long. I know my days are numbered that they will want to kiss be goodbye before they get on the bus and that it is still "cool" to wave to me out the window as they drive by. I know they will only go to school football games and sit with me for so much longer. I want to enjoy these moments while I have then and I know that right now I need to be a better Mom to them than I have been.

I feel like I am at such a cross roads...I cleaned my entire house last week trying to turn over a new leaf...I picked out new colors of paint to paint the walls so I can sit in my family room with my family this winter and like what I see. It annoys me that Chris and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary next month and I don't even have a day open in my schedule to celebrate. What about my 34th birthday? I have 3 shoots scheduled for that day.

I have to get through the fall and reset my priorities a bit. I know when my time has come, I am not going to look back on my life and wish I was a better photographer or walk planner or whatever...I am going to wish I was there more for my kids. I am going to wish that I spent less time behind the computer and more time snuggling on the couch with them.

There are too many things going on in the world around me right now that serve as constant reminders that life is short...and I don't want to look back and have one single regret.