I have come to learn that when your kids say you are the "meanest mom in the world" that that means you are doing a good job.
Last night I was that and I also was making Connor sad.
Connor was being nothing but defiant.
So after he came home from school I put him right in his room. I have never completely believed in the "minute for every year" rule, and yesterday was no different. Connor walked in the door at 3:25 and went to his room. There are no toys in their rooms (remember I am a mean mom?). We took them out a few years ago because my thought on it was that sending them to a room full of toys as a punishment is not a punishment. They have books in there and when they are in their rooms that is what they are allowed to do.
I was so angry yesterday that I let Connor out of his room around 5. Which means he is 95 years old. :) Both boys were watching TV and then one of their friends came to the door. I let CJ go outside and play but told Connor he had to stay inside because of the choices he made at school.
Mean.
So I am working around the house getting ready for the carpet cleaners that are coming today and I assume he is watching TV. He isn't. I go to look for him and he is outside almost in full hockey goalie gear...just MINUTES after telling him he couldn't and MINUTES after he just spent 95 minutes in his room. See what I am saying?
So back to his room.
Chris gets home and I am done. I mean I am at my cracking point. Work is crazy, my photography business is crazy, end of school, baseball, softball, you name it...I couldn't take much more. So I tell Chris to deal with him.
He talks to him and tells him to take off the rest of the gear he still had on and put it back on the shelves in the garage. He goes outside and Chris and I are sitting there talking about the day and we see Connor RUN across the back of the backyard!!!
What the......????
So, I flip. It was right around 6:00. Connor went to his room for the night. No dinner. No nothing. Just bedtime. We ate, I went up to kiss him goodnight (I always do this...even when I am angry...you just never know) at by 6:45 or so he was sound asleep. For real.
That is why he is so hard. He doesn't give a crap. At least he got a good nights rest.
So last night after American Idol was over I was talking to Shannon for a while about all of this and what to do and she suggested having him write a letter to Mrs. Condidorio apologizing for his behavior. Shannon and I shared our stories of how we used to have to write things all of the time as kids and so I thought I would try it.
I wrote down what I wanted him to write, made it nice a long, and had it ready for him this morning.
I told him he had to write a letter saying sorry for not following the classroom rules yesterday.
Guess what? He was SO excited about it.
Puke.
See???
Nothing is a punishment for him. Shannon said you have to figure out what bothers him. I told her I thought food would. I sent him to bed without dinner last night (and I had fresh baked rolls which he loves too!), he didn't care about that either.
The letter cracks me up though. It says -
"Mrs. Condidorio -
I am sorry I did not follow classroom rules yesterday.
I will do my best to follow classroom rules today.
Connor."
The arrow tells Mrs. Condidorio that there is more writing on the other side. The person is Mrs. Condidorio with the pointer next to the calendar. The squares are the shapes that they sit on during circle time. I asked him where he was and he said that all of the kids were already working at their "centers".
I can't win.
Got to love him though. Hopefully one day these traits will pay off. In the mean time he is destined to give his mother lots of gray hairs.
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10 comments:
Take away what he loves most. Maybe try taking away SPORTS, tv, or video games. These might have an impact. Whatever you do, be consistent. Good luck!
Sports is next. I told him today that if I get one more note home like that one he will sit in the bench and watch his teammates play. Then I will be harassed by all of the parents there that think I am being too hard on my "5 year old". I don't care, it will be the next thing to go.
He could care less about TV or Video games, he really doesn't spend much time doing either. With CJ, he wouldn't like me taking his TV away.
ok - his aunt has to stick up for him. You need to lay off my Connor and remember he is in PRESCHOOL!!!!! for the love of god... the fact that his teacher is sending home a daily progress report makes ME want to puke!!! We al lhave off days, and in preschool you're going to have even more! Not worth thinking the world is coming to an end! I agree with Connor - life is just not that serious! And he is in PRESCHOOL! Lay off and don't give yourself grey hairs and a heart attack! Thank the lord Connor is a beautiful healthy normal preschooler! who should act up once ina while or he wouldn't be normal! And in my opinion, being seperated in his room is punishment enough - toys won't ruin that - books shouldn't be equated with punishment! Books are fun! My two cents about one of my favorite nephews who deserves a break! He is a great kid.
Hi Linda!
I am not about to have a heart attack. I am just doing my best to teach Connor to be respectful of others and his peers.
It is so easy for others to be critical of our (it is an OUR here, meaning Chris and I, I am just the one who talks about them here) choices with him, but they don't live with him either.
I love Connor more then life itself and want what is best for him. Passing off this behavior as being "preschool" behavior only sets him up to think it will be acceptable behavior next year.
This isn't 5 year old attention stuff, this is him being defiant. I am sorry, but it just isn't acceptable to Chris and I or his teachers. So, as his parents we do our best to react to what is being communicated home and support his teachers with anything I can do to make it better when he is there.
It may not be what others would do in the situation, but that is okay. All kids are different and all parents react to their kids differently.
This isn't Army boot camp here. Both CJ and Connor get a TON of attention, affection, love and quality time with us. Our life is centered around them. Your post makes it sound like I am a complete hard ass that doesn't give my kid any breaks. :) I do!
I've never been much of a believer in a kid getting punished at home for what goes on at school - especially preschool! It should be dealt with in-house by the teacher - if she can't handle it - she should think about another profession. There is such a thing as natural consequences for what we do - and if Connor is not being nice to a friend for instance, there will be natural consequences for that - which he will learn from. Pointing out to him some of these consequences and talking about how our behavior influences how others react to us may be more valuable. What are you teaching him having him sit alone in his room for that long - do you think a 5 yr old is sitting there processing what happened? What did he learn? For a kid like Connor who acts out - it is aggravated by your harsch discipline.
Posted below is an abstract of an article that speaks to this issue:
Child Dev. 1999 Jul-Aug;70(4):896-909.
The relation between mothers' hostile attribution tendencies and children's externalizing behavior problems: the mediating role of mothers' harsh discipline practices.Nix RL, Pinderhughes EE, Dodge KA, Bates JE, Pettit GS, McFadyen-Ketchum SA.
Department of Psychology and Human Development, Nashville, TN 37203, USA. Robert.L.Nix@Vanderbilt.edu
This study examined relations among mothers' hostile attribution tendencies regarding their children's ambiguous problem behaviors, mothers' harsh discipline practices, and children's externalizing behavior problems. A community sample of 277 families (19% minority representation) living in three geographic regions of the United States was followed for over 4 years. Mothers' hostile attribution tendencies were assessed during the summer prior to children's entry into kindergarten through their responses to written vignettes. Mothers' harsh discipline practices were assessed concurrently through ratings by interviewers and reports by spouses. Children's externalizing behavior problems were assessed concurrently through written questionnaires by mothers and fathers and in the spring of kindergarten and first, second, and third grades through reports by teachers and peer sociometric nominations. Results of structural equations models demonstrated that mothers' hostile attribution tendencies predicted children's future externalizing behavior problems at school and that a large proportion of this relation was mediated by mothers' harsh discipline practices. These results remained virtually unchanged when controlling for initial levels of children's prekindergarten externalizing behavior problems at home.
Another more recent article with similar psychobabble as you call it:
Child Dev. 2005 Nov-Dec;76(6):1144-59.
The role of parenting styles in children's problem behavior.
Aunola K, Nurmi JE.
Department of Psychology, University of Jyväskylä, Finland. aunola@psyka.jyu.fi
This study investigated the combination of mothers' and fathers' parenting styles (affection, behavioral control, and psychological control) that would be most influential in predicting their children's internal and external problem behaviors. A total of 196 children (aged 5-6 years) were followed up six times from kindergarten to the second grade to measure their problem behaviors. Mothers and fathers filled in a questionnaire measuring their parenting styles once every year. The results showed that a high level of psychological control exercised by mothers combined with high affection predicted increases in the levels of both internal and external problem behaviors among children. Behavioral control exercised by mothers decreased children's external problem behavior but only when combined with a low level of psychological control
So, should I ignore the notes home completely?
Wouldn't that intern tell him that his behavior is okay if I don't react to him at all?
no - I'm not suggesting you ignore it. I would take the time to talk to him about what happened and have him come up with scenarious that would have been a better way of behaving/handling the situation. And tell him that you know he is capable of it and you know he is a good boy and knows how to behave and you look forward to hearing from his teacher tomorrow how he did much better! Sort of a bit of that self-fulfilling prophecy? You have to believe in your kid for them to succeed... and they have to feel like you believe in them. He is still so young - he doesn't need to be beat down.
Okay, I understand that.
Please understand that just because I talk about his behavior here doesn't mean that we are not "talking" about it nicely as well. We are. When he walked in the door yesterday with his bad report we talked about what happened, how that must have made his friends feel, and how he could do things differently tomorrow. I told him that I KNEW he could behave better.
I just didn't think that was enough.
You could always have him come up with a way to make it up to his teacher or friend, whoever the offended was... better he comes up with something and have it be sincere than forcing him to do stuff to make yourself feel better.
You want him to think, not just do because he is told so.
I am not suggesting I have all the answers here - but I do have some training in this field and work in the field of child pscyhiatry.. so I do feel like i know something - and certainly read enough about this stuff to have some basis for what I say. I think you are very hard on yourself... and it spills down to your kids. It is ok for your kids to make mistakes.. they'll learn from it! You don't have to fix it all.
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